Recipe of the Day

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This recipe is a tasty pie-in-the-face of "Mama said there'd be days like this" that will leave you asking "what next" while you pondering whipping it up for yourself next Groundhog's Day, or even on April Fool's.

(Editors Note: Folks, you can't make this stuff up.  This recipe really is how I lived my life between the evening of March 12th and the evening of March 13th.  Take caution when trying at home.)

Ingredients:

Lower Crust
  • 1 Baby Bed Rail (preassembled)
  • 1 Mommy
  • 1 Daddy
  • 1 Good Arm
  • 1 Bad Arm
  • 1 Disposable Knee
  • 1 Cell Phone (disposable preferred; harder to trace)

Filling
  • 1 Scheming Toddler
  • 1/4 C Desitin
  • Several Elmo's (mixed variety)
  • 6 Gal Water
  • 1/2 C Baby Shampoo
  • 1 Washcloth
  • 1 Mommy
  • 1 Daddy
  • 1 Camera Phone (internet ready)
  • Facebook account

Upper Crust
  • 1 New DVD
  • 1 Old DVD Player
  • 1 Dish TV Remote
  • The Internet

Icing
  • 1 Scheming Toddler (can reuse from filling)
  • 1 Innocent Baby
  • 1/4 C Desitin (fresh; do not reuse from filling)
  • Toys (the more, the merrier)
  • Big Toy (needs a space large enough for 1 Innocent Baby to crawl through)
  • 1 Water Bottle with Pull Top (exercise variety)
  • 1 Tbsp Dawn
  • 2 C Water
  • 1/4 Roll Paper Towels
  • 1 Mommy
  • 1 Camera Phone (internet ready, can reuse from filling)
  • Facebook Account

Cherry On Top
  • 1 Loving Toddler (can reuse from filling if appropriate)
  • 1 Mommy
  • 1 Bad Arm


Dessert Drink
  • 1 Not-quite-potty-trained Toddler (can reuse from filling if appropriate)
  • 1 Used Diaper
  • No Warning
  • 1 Mommy
  • 3 Wipes
  • 1 New Diaper
  • 1 Mommy Blog

Method

Lower Crust
  1. Send The Daddy to work.
  2. Have The Mommy struggle to set up the Baby Bed Rail with both the Good Arm and the Bad Arm for 4-5 minutes.
  3. Develop brilliant idea to have The Mommy lift the mattress with the Good Arm while pushing in the Baby Bed Rail with the Disposable Knee in order to shield the Bad Arm from further injury.
  4. Double over in pain as the Disposable Knee determines it was not meant to be a battering ram.
  5. Simmer for 5 minutes.
  6. Send nastygram to The Daddy at work, complaining of sustaining another injury whilst setting up the Baby Bed Rail, using a Disposable Cell phone to avoid tracing if a loving rebuke is misinterpreted as a threat of imminent harm.
  7. Set aside The Mommy to cool.
Filling
  1. Have The Mommy begin prep work on future recipes while allowing ingredients such as The Scheming Toddler to age.
  2. Have The Scheming Toddler smear Desitin liberally on every exposed part of her body as well as on the red furry behinds of a variety of Elmo's.
  3. Have The Mommy glance up in utter shock when The Scheming Toddler announcings "Look at me, Mama".  Scream.  Use the camera phone to take a picture and send to the Facebook account.
  4. Set aside The Mommy to cool while counting to 10.
  5. Use The Mommy to herd The Scheming Toddler into the bathroom, allowing her vocal complaints to awaken The Daddy.
  6. Fill the bathtub with approximately 6 gallons of water, adjusting total volume as necessary.
  7. Alternate between The Mommy and The Daddy using the Washcloth to vigorously scrub The Scheming Toddler with Baby Shampoo.
  8. Rinse.
  9. Repeat.
  10. Dry and allow The Scheming Toddler to sit.
Upper Crust
  1. Begin weaving the upper crust by placing one new DVD in one old DVD player, ensuring that the remote control is removed beforehand.
  2. Look up the correct code on the Internet to enable the Dish TV Remote to connect with the old DVD player.
  3. Realize that when tools from different companies are used together, the controls may not be compatible.  Press every single button on the Dish TV Remote control in order to experiment with pushing play and weaving the upper crust.
  4. Note: it may take 11 or 12 restarts until the correct combination of buttons is determined.

Icing
  1. Allow 1 Scheming Toddler to sit with 1 Innocent Baby so their flavors can combine.
  2. Have the Scheming Toddler use Desitin to liberally baste herself and the Innocent Baby, ensuring nearly full coverage.
  3. Allow the Scheming Toddler to play with surrounding toys to ensure they are also covered with Desitin.
  4. Place Innocent Baby in the middle of a space in a large toy to ensure that he cannnot get away move until full coverage has been obtained.  Panicked screaming will help the process to move faster.
  5. Use the camera phone to take a picture and send to CPS Facebook account.
  6. Set aside Scheming Toddler to simmer.
  7. Combine 1 Tbsp Dawn and 2 C Water and mix well.  Wet a paper towel with solution and remove Desitin from Scheming Toddler and Innocent Baby at end of basting time.
Cherry on Top
  1. Mix 1 Loving Toddler and 1 Mommy vigorously.
  2. Use 1 Bad Arm to brace Mommy when Loving Toddler pushes her from the bed.
  3. Place Mommy in the freezer for 20 minutes to chill.
Dessert Drink
  1. Fill not-quite-potty-trained Toddler to the brim with a variety of liquids over an 8-12 hour period.
  2. Soak Used Diaper thoroughly.
  3. Drizzle fresh liquid on Used Diaper, allowing overflow to coat floor.
  4. Allow 1 Mommy to slide sideways through coated floor.
  5. Remove coating with 3 Baby Wipes.
  6. Cover Toddler in New Diaper.
  7. Write about it in Mommy Blog!

    1 comment

    1. AnonymousMarch 17, 2011 at 7:51 AM

      Let me guess, this is a secret family recipe handed down from your great, great, great grandmother.

      ReplyDelete